Today... we planned the funeral.

After some exhausting last couple of weeks at home, and much debate, I went to YoungLife camp with our area to Lake City, Michigan to YoungLife camp where dozens of kids learned what it was like to have a relationship with Christ, while at the same time learning what it's like to push themselves physically and emotionally and follow along side the Lord. I left everything going on at home to go to camp. I worried every day, I cried more than I would like to admit, and I prayed that God would let me stay home so I didn't have to be away at camp. 

God didn't make a way for me to stay home. God made it abundantly clear that camp is where I needed to be. So I went to camp. I remained obedient, because out of obedience, God reveals himself. 

I found out on Sunday that Grandmother went back into the hospice home on Friday...

This morning, as I got home, my dad said that they were going to plan Grandmother's funeral today. I didn't have to go. It probably wasn't my place to go, but... I have been here to experience it all and I wanted nothing more than to be a part of it. For that, I'm extremely thankful.  

I prayed for peace. I prayed for peace and obedience. I prayed that my lively, funny, crazy, loving Grandmother would go be with the Lord. Even though this will hurt when she is gone, she is promised a new life in Jesus. One where she will be singing, dancing, playing tricks, laughing, eating peanut butter until she explodes, and will no longer be in any pain... that. that is all the peace I need. I know my Grandmother loved me. 

About a year ago I had one of the most productive and eye opening Campaigners (YL Bible study) when we talked about being blessed. Which is a super overused word in the christian language. You are "Blessed" when you go through a hard time because of how God brought you through it. You are not "Blessed" because of all the good things you have at a high point in your life, So at camp this week I was reminded of how truly blessed I have been to know my grandmother. I'm reminded in this time of sadness and hurt and frankly, anger... that I am indeed blessed by the most High God to give me the world's greatest grandmother who loved me with every ounce of life she had. 

I want to end this really sad post with some funny stories from some of my YoungLife girls this week who were also blessed to know my grandmother just a little bit...

Audrey and I were planning a going away party for another one of our YL girls back in December. My grandmother seemed to always enjoy doing laundry. While Audrey and I were making a cake, my grandmother walked into the kitchen where Audrey and I were decorating Alli's cake, holding up this pair of bleached underwear! Yes, this is correct. She had a pair of bleached underwear in her hands. She began to explain that she couldn't get her underwear as clean as she wanted them, so she soaked a pair in bleach to see what would happen. They came out tye-dyed and splotched, and all sorts of crazy looking!!! I laughed first, Audrey didn't know what was going on, and grandmother just laughed. She had to sit down and laugh. She belly laughed over bleaching her undies! 

We sat around this week talking about my Grandmother, because her impact is on so much more than just us. My YL girls loved coming over here to see her. They loved hearing her stories, they loved the way she and I interacted. She loved me and supported my doing YL. So I had a peace about leaving. Now that I am home, I have a peace about everything. 

Everything will be okay. 

John 14:27  "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid" 

Today... We planned her funeral. Today... I have peace. 

Macaroni-and-a-cheese

My grandmother is 74 years old. She has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. By the time she was diagnosed, she was already in mid-stage. Two weeks later, with the most aggressive form of Alzheimer's, she is already in the late stages. Everyone tells me that this is harder on the family, than it is on those that have the disease. Let me just state, this disease sucks. No longer is my grandmother the good, beautiful, spry, loving grandmother I grew up with. Now, shes distant, mean, sleepy, and uncomfortable all the time. Not how you want to see a loved one. Not how I want to remember my grandmother.

The purpose of this is to remember the good, and try not to dwell on the bad. To remember stories that made me cry, laugh, and feel her love a thousand times over, because now its so few and far in between. So... Here is one of my favorite stories.

When I was little my grandmother would cook food just for me. There is a famous story that is told whenever my family gets together, I was about 4 or 5 and it was Thanksgiving. I asked my Grandmother what we were having for dinner and she named off everything. I mean everything. As a child, our holidays were so big, we had turkey AND ham, we had every vegetable you could think of, we had enough food to feed a third world country. Every.  Single. Holiday. but this particular Thanksgiving my grandmother didn't make "macaroni-and-a-cheese". I cried tears of sadness, I'm pretty sure I didn't throw a fit, but I cried... and my grandmother made "macaroni-and-a-cheese" for that Thanksgiving, every holiday thereafter, and every time I came home for a visit from college. It was love. She knew that her mac-and-cheese was truly the greatest, and she made it for me simply because I asked, and she loved me. She sent me home with 12 gallons of mac-and-cheese after my first semester in college in Tennessee. She lived in Michigan at the time, and she "didn't want me crying over missing her or her cooking" as she put it... She was simply the best.

Now... Now my Grandmother won't eat. Now my grandmother can't remember the story. Now, my grandmother can't remember my name half the time. Now my grandmother is convinced that I have a baby hiding somewhere. Now my grandmother needs help showering, eating, going to the bathroom, taking her medicine and even walking.

I'm mainly writing a blog because in college I learned that I processed things and handled things better when I wrote things out. To be completely and perfectly honest, I am not taking this well. I am not handling this well. I truly hope that all of this is harder on us than it is her. This.. this...this is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to watch someone go through. Maybe my experience will help someone else. Maybe it will help me process this. Maybe I can look back at this and see that it was in someway worth it,because God's plans are bigger, better, and greater than mine.